The sight of my ex-Guru on Netflix gives me shivers

Netflix’s new series How to Become a Cult Leader fascinates many people but for me, it brings back haunting memories. 

While watching the third episode tonight, I saw Jaime Gomez—also known as Andreas—and felt like someone had poured ice water down my back. Even though he wasn’t there in the flesh, I had a full-body reaction at the sight of his face and just froze. I hadn’t expected it. How could I? It’s been about seventeen years; how could a single episode titled “The Buddhafield: Reform Their Minds” cause such a reaction?

How To Become A Cult Leader: Episode 3

Aside from some choppy editing, the show How to Become a Cult Leader isn’t bad. It’s a docuseries that analyzes the tactics and strategies used by various cult leaders in history. Andreas wasn’t the first or last cult leader in the show. There are five other historic cult leaders that Netflix analyzes but unlike the others, Andreas’s episode sent me reeling.

The episode itself is purely analytic. Highlights include cartoon reenactments of various Buddhafield events, such as Andreas giving cleansing sessions. This particular event is further explained in Will Allen’s film Holy Hell.

Let the Healing Begin

When I had such an instant and gut-clenching reaction, my first thought was: What kind of power does he still hold over me? In the safety of my own home, I was shaking like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm.

When it comes to certain traumas, there’s a timeline to follow. They say to wait five years before you’re ready to write about a divorce, and ten years before you’re ready to write about a death—How many years until you’re ready to write about your ex-cult leader?

People are familiar with the concept of religious trauma, but what about post-cult trauma? With symptoms like panic attacks, guilt, anger, and PTSD, Religious Trauma Syndrome and my own post-cult life sound eerily similar. All these symptoms stem from breaking away from a controlling environment; a religion in most cases, but a cult in mine.

Do I have Religious Trauma Syndrome? I’m not sure. But it’s nearing seventeen years now since I’ve left and this guy still gives me the heebie-jeebies. When we watched the episode, I told my husband this and he said, “Yeah, he’s a creepy dude”. To me, it’s more than that, and more often than not, I find myself wondering what exactly that creepy dude did to mess with my head.

Conclusion

Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe there is no timeline for writing about your creepy ex-guru because it just never gets better than this. Sure, I’m no longer trapped in the cult as I once was, but he still controls my initial reactions.

Maybe I should just ignore the timeline and take control of what he’s done to me. Even when it still doesn’t feel like I’m totally free, I need to tell others what living under him was like. After all, they say there’s no moment like the present, so maybe I should just start writing about him now. Maybe it could even save someone from getting sucked into the Buddhafield.

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